“Friend” (“You keep using that word — I do not think you know what it means”)
Don’t laugh.
I did something last week that I’d never done before — I unfriended someone on Facebook. Hard to miss the topic over the past 4 years as people are being unfriended left and right over religious and political ideals, but I held fast to my belief that friends will always be friends. We might disagree on some pretty fundamental issues, but we’ve been together for so long that our similarities must outweigh our differences — right? Don’t we share 90% of our DNA with frogs after all?
This wasn’t just any friend. Partially because he was the oldest, he became the glue that held out misfit group together. (He also had a car, which helped) I went out of state for college, he got married, moved away, started a (large) family and a job at a large defense contractor where he moved up rapidly. We gradually drifted apart due to “life”. Not a unique story by any stretch of the imagination. Friends? Of course.
I’d never been on Facebook before, and was surprised to see a friend request a few years later. Like most of us, it was a lot of fun to catch up after a decade or more apart. The graying/thinning hair (his, of course!), the kids growing up and moving out, the inevitable health crisis, coupled with the shared joys of remission. Unless one considers a “like” to be communication, we became silent observers of each others lives.
Friends? Of course.
It began slowly as these things often do. A dropped word or phrase, a comment that raised a furrowed brow, a recognition that we saw the world differently. Had he changed? Had we not known each other as well as I had thought? Maybe I changed? Of course we’re not all the same and we don’t all share the same values. I knew his not-so secret nickname though, as well as the story behind it, even if he actively pushed others to stop using it.
Friends? Of course.
The last few years have been dynamic in terms of relationships for all of us: strengthening some while weakening others. The social media posts continued with ever-increasing levels of condescension and intolerance. The spouse who would drop the most narrow, selfish comments and then whine about how she was being treated when others would call her out. I watched him attack others I’d known from the same period of our lives. I saw a man I didn’t know.
Friends?
One of the great things about friendships is that we get to choose whom we allow into our lives and share ourselves with — who is it that can help make ourselves a better version of “us”, or simply enjoy some music and laughter? As we get older our friendships become more purposeful as we prioritize all the bits of our lives. Can you imaging saying “next week’s not good for me, I’ve got some availability next month though” at age 16? Seems like I have to put “sleep” on the schedule these days and friendships don’t just “happen” like they used to.
It finally happened after another in a long line of (IMHO) ill-informed, narrow, selfish, and frankly cruel posts — I hit that “unfriend” button. (I’m a bit of a slow learner) But even I realized that if we hadn’t seen each other in 35 years, shared little in common in our world views, and no longer had any positive impact on each other’s lives, we probably weren’t friends anymore. (His wife followed a couple of days later, btw)
Here’s the rub though: I don’t mourn for lost relationships. I celebrate every last one of them that helped contribute to where I am today. People (hopefully!) change and it’s healthy to let go when the things that used to bind us together have frayed like a pair of old shoe laces. In a bit of irony, the act of moving on has freed me to enjoy what used to be even more fully. I can laugh about the stupid stuff we used to do without the (self-imposed) burden of trying to reconcile in the here and now. He can once again be the person I knew and I can be grateful for the time we spent.
Guilt? Not anymore. We have both had (far) higher priorities and that’s ok. I can give a silent thanks for what you’ve given and how you’ve been a part of the forces that shaped my life. I can wish you well, truly free of an idealized past that places no guilt and assigns no blame. If I am the sum total of the people and experiences I have been lucky enough to touch over the course of my nearly 6 decades on this planet, I count myself fortunate that there is a piece of you woven into the fabric of my existence.
Friends?
“And oh when I’m old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn Winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be Lifted from my eyes
Oh when I’m old and wise” — Alan Parsons
